"Douchey" Fingers and Pleasant Sounds

Music and I; have had a torrid love affair, for as long as I can remember. I am sure there are a MILLION of pieces of writing that start with that exact cliché, but the suggested metaphor is not made without reason…

For years music has made me its bitch, when I was but a child, it offered me candy, lured me into its black VW combi with a short skirt, a smile and wink it found its way in…

And for years blinded by Stockholm syndrome, music was good to me, as long as i put the lotion on my body and never tried to escape from my hole. This all changed when i joined a band. Joining a band has, among other things, the inexplicable effect of ruining most other local music for you.

You play alongside other bands and you get to see what kind of people lie behind (what on the surface) is some pretty decent music and thus begins the ruination!

Hearing a song without knowing the person behind the track; is great, you are able to enjoy the music guilt free and impute whatever personality you feel the song conveys, onto that song.

BUT if you know the person that has created the song; no matter how amazing that song is, if said person is a whiney diva twat, the music is forever ruined! It could be the best song in the world and it will be forever ruined by the “douchey” fingers and throat from which the pleasant sound emanates. At a stretch, you may be able to muster up some form of acknowledgement for the songs merit at best, but will not be able to sit through it without effort.

Ok so one song ruined, right? NO WRONG! Its ok for someones shitty personality to ruin one song but we are not talking about the exception here, it is most certainly the rule. The South African Music Scene (for the most part) is filled with wankers, I hate to disillusion you but… yip those bands you love, with their catchy tunes, stuck in your head for days… all wankers, well most of them anyway.

In view of this, if you have ever been in a band you are destined to become a very bitter hateful old man/woman incapable of joy, but that’s ok, being in a band; you were probably a wanker anyway.

Movies To Mess You Up

Every so often you come a across a movie that takes its conceptual penis and literally performs a filthy sex act on your mind leaving it raw, exposed and surprisingly tingly; in a manner that gets you to question yourself and the apparent reality you find yourself in. I am talking about films that make you look at yourself and reach deep to find a part of yourself forever changed for better or worse. Not in the way that pure exploitation and torture films make you, through sheer revulsion want to forget that you have ever seen them, but in the art house kind of unsettling way. This is a list dedicated to those kinds of movies:

Sleeping Beauty

Now whilst I have only seen the trailer the premise is significantly disturbing for the movie to make it on to this list. As total film list is as “A haunting erotic fairy tale about Lucy, a student who drifts into prostitution and finds her niche as a woman who sleeps, drugged, in a ‘Sleeping Beauty chamber’ while men do to her what she can‘t remember the next morning.”

The film premiered at Cannes and will hit our shores later this year. The trailer alone is haunting, and Emily Brownings soft features make the tacit violation she endures all the more disturbing. See it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4Sjhqw4QAU&feature=player_embedded
Not quite the Disney remake i was expecting I am sure you will agree…

Guaranteed to fuck you up if you watch it as a kid rating: 9/10 Nothing like graphic sex, rape, submission and exploitation to completely mess the younger you up.

Sucker Punch

A movie that hasn’t really been met with rave reviews, and I can only think it is because people have gone in expecting one thing and got another missed the whole premise behind it, and in doing so Snyder has achieved what the movie set out to do. On the face of it ( literally if you had to look at the cover or the poster), Synder gives audiences exactly what they think they want “Absurdly fetishized women in teeny little skirts, gloriously repetitious fight sequences loaded with plot coupons, pseudo-feminist fantasies of escape and revenge. Then he yanks it all back and stabs us through the eyeball.” And with this I think Andrew O’Hehir hits the nail on the head. I personally left the movie feeling guilty for enjoying the fight scenes and the skimpy outfits and just generally bad for being male and partially responsible for the all the exploitation. It is only in that final scene where you see Babydoll lifeless after her lobotomy, that you feel the real affect of the films namesake.

Guaranteed to fuck you up if you watch it as a kid rating: 6/10 Now I hate to patronise the younger you but young you, much like young me would probably be more interested in the giant fight scenes and the attractive girls in skimpy outfits to care what the movie was actually about.

The Butterfly Effect

Although poorly received by critics, it was well received by audiences and is probably the only good decent thing to ever come out of Aston Kutcher. The film could have been executed better; the principle behind it disturbing nonetheless. The plot centres around Evan (Kutcher) who is able to travel back to key moments/traumatic events in his life which coincide with blackout as a child, and then relive and change them as an adult by reading his adolescent diary, but the changes are not without consequences. Each change he makes sees him wake up in a different future whilst retaining his knowledge of the past. At the end of the director’s cut he chooses to travel back and as a foetus wrap his own umbilical cord around his neck ensuring that he is never born, leaving the audience with the morbid thought of “what if I never existed”

Guaranteed to fuck you up if you watch it as a kid rating: 6/10 Mostly because of the scene where they kill the dog, oh and the part where the father makes a not so family movie with his daughter and her friends, that might have a lasting effect on your young mind.

Donnie Darko

Although it didn’t even break even at the box office, it certainly made up for it with DVD sales as a cult classic on the small screen. At a loss of how to describe this complex cult classic Wikipedia says (so it must be true) that “The film depicts the reality-bending adventures of the title character as he seeks the meaning and significance behind his troubling Doomsday-related visions.”

At the point where reality is split into two alternates, the film turns dark drenched in uneasy expectation and for reasons I cant explain leaves a person horribly anxious and at the end in contemplation about the repercussions there own existence has had on those around them by seeing the repercussions, the life of Donnie Darko has had on those around him, simply by existing as a catalyst for chaos. Leaving us with the same question “what if I never was”

Guaranteed to fuck you up if you watch it as a kid rating: 7/10 Will probably make your inner child want to experiment with acid.

What Dreams May Come

Right at the beginning of a seemingly idyllic film the protagonists children are killed in a car crash, he is then killed and we see his wife spiral into depression and suicide, separating the soul mates in the afterlife. What Dreams May Come, Is on this list because I saw it as a child and then again on honeymoon and both times round it has changed how I view the world, life and death. On the surface its about itself is about true of love and tragic of loss in life and death. But for me it is about that and more, it is about how our actions affect those around us so profoundly that they have the ability to be carried beyond this life. Moreover beyond what the story is about the way it is filmed is worth giving it a watch alone.

Guaranteed to fuck you up if you watch it as a kid rating: 5/10 I saw this as a kid and all of my personalities agree that it has had no effect on us what so ever, so it gets a 5 on the rating that is far too long for an acronym.

Black Swan

When it comes to Aronofsky, you are guaranteed of a provocative product wrapped in a warped narrative which is usually strapped to a pile of awards and acclaim. His latest offering, is exactly as Kurt Loader describes it “wonderfully creepy” as we follow a ballerinas decent into madness through her obsession of perfection. In every sense of the word the protagonist is perfect at mechanical perfection but lacks the passion and spontaneity to play the imperfect second role required of her and as a result begins to breakdown everything she is to be something she is not by splitting her personality into two until she is two perfect polar opposites which lead to the destruction of everything she was and has become. The very disturbing mother daughter relationship aside, the movie causes us to reflect upon our own struggle for perfection and you leave the screening feeling horribly uneasy and reflective.

Guaranteed to fuck you up if you watch it as a kid rating: 7/10 overall it probably wouldn’t disturb young you but the scene with Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis alone in the formers bed room may have a lasting effect…

Devil

There is not a lot of love for M Night Shayamalan, and his predictably unpredictable twists nowadays but “Devil” was a disturbingly appealing movie. The whole movie (virtually) takes place in an elevator and leaves viewers in a state perpetual sympathetic claustrophobic and palpable paranoia. The story itself is admittedly a nod to Agatha Christies “And Then There Were None” in the very small way that it follows the entire plot and twist but we can overlook that, because how many of you even know who Agatha Christie is (despite the fact that she is the best-selling writer of books of all time? Ever!) If anything I don’t view elevators in the same way. Every time I get in one (which is everyday) I try to figure out which person in the lift is the Devil, now there’s a fun game to play with your kids.

Guaranteed to fuck you up if you watch it as a kid rating: 6/10 may cause paranoia, fear of lifts (yet to be given a scientific name – I am told by the great all knowing yahoo answers) possibly a fear of your gran being satan – which also doesn’t have a name! (gees scientists up you game – granisthedevilophobia anyone?)

Battle Royale

Directed by Kinji Fukasaku based on the novel of the same name, the films concept alone is remarkably disturbing, in fact if stories could have sex “Battle Royale” would be the one legged bastard child of “A Clockwork Orange” and “Lord of the Flies” the movie depicts a world where in order to create order and obedience amongst the youth, a class of young children are put on an island with weapons and told only one may leave, it stirs question inside you about what you would do to survive and which of your friends you would be able to off for the sake of self preservation!

Wikipedia fun fact – “Kinji Fukasaku stated that the novel reminded him of his time as a 15-year-old munitions factory worker, so he decided to create the film adaptation. When he was 15 years old, Fukasaku’s class was drafted, and he worked as a munitions worker during World War II. In July 1945, the class was caught in artillery fire. Since the children could not escape they had to dive under each other in order to survive. The surviving members of the class had to dispose of the corpses. Fukasaku realized that the Japanese government lied about World War II at that point and Fukasaku had a burning hatred of adults in general for a long time after.” Now try burn that image out of your mind!

Guaranteed to fuck you up if you watch it as a kid rating: 8/10 This bags an 8, because… well… there are certain things kids should not have to think about, and right at the top of that list is; “if I were on an island and had no choice but to murder all of my friends and loved one would I?”

Identity

There are tonnes of films out there with twists and turns but identity has really set itself apart for me, because of the two realities in which it takes place, the reality in a schitzophrenic’s head, where his personalities are off’d one by one by the dominant murderous personality – with a who done it narrative, and the actual reality where he awaits judgement of his crimes with a what the fuck does this have to do with anything narrative, because of course this Shayamalan twist is only revealed at the end.

Guaranteed to fuck you up if you watch it as a kid rating: 5/10

Let Me In

Although the American adaptation is creepy right from the start, it does not have a patch on the Swedish novel and movie upon which it was based, Let The Right One In. In fact it merely alludes to some of the bits I found creepiest in the original. The story centres on Owen and Abby and their relationship. Owen a troubled, lonely and bullied pre-teen; befriends a strange girl in his apartment building that turns out to be a vampire. This vampire girl is looked after by a middle aged man, that hunts down and kills young men and woman in the town to feed Abby until his killed and Owen takes his place. Now whilst the story itself is a little unusual, the creepiness of it all stems from the bits that are referred to subtly. The kind of questions you should ask before you watch another twilight movie.

Firstly Abby tells Oscar that she is 12 and has been 12 for a very long time – does that make her a paedophile for striking up a relationship with a 12 year old boy? Then there is a photo that Owen picks up in Abbys apartment, which is of her and a young boy that looks exactly like the middle aged man that has been looking after her… (cue sinister music) but perhaps the creepiest bits are to be found in the original text. In the film Abby says would you love me if I wasn’t a girl? The audience then thinks oh ok well she is referring to the fact that she is a blood thirsty mini monster and the topic is left right there. In the original ER not so much… In the book the character of Abby (Eli – in the book) is a little boy who is castrated and then turned into a vampire some 200 years before meeting and striking up a romantic relationship with Owen (Oskar – In the book) what’s more the man that looks after Abby in the book is actually a convicted paedophile and keeps asking to molest her/him in exchange for feeding her/him he is then turned into a vampire in the book and molests Abby – all of this an more is left out of Let Me In, but its on circuit at the moment and definitely worth a (difficult to digest) watch.

Guaranteed to fuck you up if you watch it as a kid rating: 9/10 but if we are talking about the original perhaps a 10/10

Running the Mall Gauntlet

At the centre of our metropolis; lies a temple of excess large enough to be a city. They call this temple city, Sandton City (and they are expanding)

In this city there is a ritual, known only to those who reside in the offices within the city’s heart. A ritual practiced by the brave and broken: The perils of the lunch run mayhem

The path is wrought with danger and from the South Tower in the Square to J’s Tikka & Kebab, there are many obstacles, that might befall a traveller. Some have said the obstacles are so varied and so numerous that codification is sheer madness! But in fear salvation must prevail, duty bound to a to protect mall office dwellers everywhere (in Sandton City) a list has been forged in the heart of the beast.

The Suits – Horribly intimidating these fast walkers are cut throat, swerving in and out of mall traffic cutting mall dwellers off at every turn. They are not known for their patience or their ability to use a blackberry at the high speeds at which they travel. They can be identified by the scent of overpriced coffee in fused with fabric of fine tailored suits and the scent of their secretary’s perfume. Your only hope of survival is to try and keep up with their break neck pace and steer clear of their direct path of travel.

Promo Girls – More often than not, these young, scantily clad mall-land nymphs, are hypnotically beautiful, and as a result, dramatically increase a mall dwellers capacity for accidental, self harm. Should you evade aforementioned self harm, you still run the risk of being lured in by their feminine wiles. The resultant encounter leaving you without the money or the time to complete your run. Do not look into their eyes and stay out of their line of sight.

The Floor Cleaners – Without fail when the clock strikes 12:45, they materialise into high traffic areas mop, trolley and yellow sign in hand, leaving their surroundings moist and deceptively slippery.

Children – Horribly inconvenient but relatively easy to navigate over as a result of the speed bump like quality they exhibit once they have fallen down.

The Shoprite Trolley Guiders – These dutiful employees have the ability to conjure up a leviathan beast, with its 100 wheeled legs and a complete disregard for the safety of those around it, plying through civilians and experienced mall dwellers alike. As a result of the social mores; the beast exhibits in its natural environment, there are theories that it is the bastard offspring of forbidden love between a taxi driver and his taxi. Barely able to assert control over the beast the trolley guiders tug and push at the beast, to get it safely in to its pen but never without casualties.

The Faux Mooooodel – Apparently harmless at first glance but pre-occupation with themselves and the sheer height of their shoes, make them formidably oblivious to their surroundings and passersby. The constant glancing at their refection in shop windows cause unnecessary collisions often fatal as a result of the 9 inch Louboutin’s insecurely attached to their feet.

The Guy with Too Much Hair Gel – Much like the floor cleaners he leaves his surrounding area terribly slippery. These mall goers have been cited as the number one cause of mall pile ups.

Fat People – Do not underestimate them because of their lack speed and agility, their sheer size makes them a great obstacle to the lunch time run.

Hand Holding Couples – Something horribly inconvenient happens when a couple take each other by the hand in a shopping centre, they create a barrier, a closeline vortex that is able to extend and decapitate any and all who dare encroach. When the said close line remains closed the couple is as easy to pass as a fat person (see above) but approach with caution, as the barrier can extend at anytime bringing with it a world of pain.

The Crazies – Perhaps the most frightening and dangerous of all, largely due to their absolute unpredictability, you never know, when or how they will strike. Their behavioural patterns are erratic and can vary from shouting to violence. There is no accurate way to identify them, by the time you smell the sulphur they give off, it is already too late. Avoid them at all costs. Should you get caught in there line of sight – assume the brace position and pray.

Royal Wedding and Sex Tape

With all the poodles and bassets, permed and poofed, with ribbons in their hair: it’s time for the biggest dog show of the year if not the decade: The Royal Wedding.

A friend of mine summed it up rather well: “I am getting married. You’re paying. You’re not invited. Now go organise a street party in my honour.” I am not a hater I just don’t understand the phenomenon that is the Royal Family or the allure of watching one of them getting married? They are essentially an ineffectual figure head that do nothing more than adorn currency and cost tax payers oodles of money they adorn, money, mind you, that most are only happy to fork out to retain an archaic system of governance… or more appropriately “archaic watchamacallit”

Cynicism aside, six hundred thousand people have gathered outside the cathedral and over 2 billion people are tuned in around the world. Why? Many would argue that my lack of understanding stems from my non-britishness itself, (although I could probably have British family) but those that argue such would most likely belong to one of the 15 realms besides the UK, that retain Queen Elizabeth II as a head of state? I think my lack of understanding would be better shared with those countries that were never subject to British rule or perhaps one of the over 50 countries were once under British Rule.

Many former colonies house a quiet resentment for their former oppressors, a glance at the Beeld, show a number of comments filled with disdain, whilst readers of the Sowetan have been rather apathetic about the whole affair less and have responded to an article on the royal wedding with “who cares” and “so what”

Apathy and disdain aside Perhaps the allure lies in the notion that every little girl, growing up dreams of meeting a prince falling in love and getting married whether or not they live under British rule. It certainly was the dream of a certain Ms. Middleton. a dream that has come to fruition and has resulted in quite the spectacle – not only the 2000 strong ceremony but the ridiculous hats that are piled so high that they should need a certificate of structural compliance to ensure the safety of anyone within a 10mile radius should one of them come crashing down. How tragic it would be for one of the guests or dare I say it, one of the royal family, to be crushed under the weight of wild ill secured head ornament. Perhaps the wearer of the offending hat would be jailed for treason, or the crime of terrorism. One thing’s for certain it would certainly make the whole thing a lot more interesting.

Whatever your opinion on the matter is, there is no denying that a shit load of people care, why they care, is anyones, but their own, guess.

As an aside, I wonder if there will be coverage of the wedding night on BBC? – I personally think it’s about time the royals started to exploit the gap in the royal sex tape market. One Night In Middleton – anyone?

Gaga vs God (Round 1)

It’s that time of the year again; where millions of Christians, of all denominations from across the globe celebrate, the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ through the mass consumption of chocolate eggs and caramel filled bunnies.

What better a time for controversy, then Easter. Without a doubt, child molesting priests everywhere will be up in arms about Lady Gaga’s new (S)hit single “Judas”

If sex sells then controversy is the lady manning the checkout. Gaga’s latest (perfectly timed) release, is CHOC full of offensive lyrics (see what I did there) “Jesus is my virtue, Judas is the demon I cling to” is the lyric that has conservatives up in arms, but I think they aren’t looking hard enough, if they try they can find offensiveness in virtually every word. I personally like the reference to washing Judas’ feet with her hair.

iol states “These religious images will be woven into the ‘Judas’ video, which is timed for release over Easter weekend.”

Apparently Gaga will portray a goth version of Mary Magdalene and Norman Reedus, of Boondock Saints fame, will play Judus Exciting times. (hopefully he will give that a better go then he did the completely shit sequel to Boondock Saints)

I wonder if a Deicide collaboration is in the works? I am personally looking forward to the follow up song “I had sex with Satan” not with Satan himself but with Satan Benton, the son of the lead “singer” of Deicide; Glen Benton (yip, he named his son Satan if the rumors are to be believed) – the video will depict Gaga molesting, Glens son whilst dressed as the pope, but covered in blood. For the dance scenes Gaga will then simulate a gang bang with a number of religious figures. She will be wearing a suit made from AIDS Orphans, stitched with only the finest yarn, made from baby seals. The video will also depict the prophet Mohammed.

Don’t get me wrong I love “controversy” just as much as I love its homosexual lover “progress”. What I hate is that the world is becoming desensitised, making it harder for me to offend my friends and colleagues. Movies that were banned a decade ago are nothing compared to what writers and directors are now able to get away with in main stream cinema and on MTV.

Take “Die Antwoord” for example, the fact that they exist at all (never mind the massive success they have achieved) illustrates, that a little bit of talent and a massive amount of controversy, goes a long way. In their newest single “Rich Bitch” Yolandie sits on a golden toilet, and points out the bog roll to her left, about a thousand times – to ensure we do not miss the controversial catch: the toilet paper has Julius Malema’s face adorning each sheet of what must be only the finest 2ply. (it’s on sale at watkykjy http://zefshop.com/catalog/product_info.php?cPath=27&products_id=56

Every time something new threatens the status quo controversy is born and it pushes tolerance and acceptance to a whole new level. There is seldom revolutionary success without pushing the boundary of conservative tolerance. There was a time when impressionism was rebellious, now its common place to see an artist writhe around in animal entrails or paint a picture of her father in menstrual blood and call it art. It leaves me wondering what the norm will be when I have kids and they are my age…

Ten things that offend me:

10. RnB – packed full of autotune, and more often then not a dude with an open white shirt, or women in unflattering body suites, that show off the only bit of talent they have…

09. The Boondock Saints Sequel – thank you for fucking that one up for me.

08. Chris McEvoy – but in a really good way. Follow him here and check out unfollow me Fridays they are without a doubt one of the best things online… http://twitter.com/#!/ChrisMcEvoy

07. Greys Anatomy – do people really need a story line, just fill it with sex and get it over with already.

06. Buses – fuck you i’m a Bus, I do what I want. “Oh look some construction up ahead has narrowed the road, let me violently swerve to the left before this turn and off load some passengers, oh look a car is going to turn in front of me because i am blocking the turnoff let me accelerate quickly i am sure they will move, i am a big dumb fucking bus”

05. Vegetarian’s/Vegans – Smug hybrid driving toss offs. Save a plant eat a vegan.

04. Living in an Apartment – mostly because of my hippy neighbour. He has filled his patio with so many plants and so much strange shit, he has left precious little space for himself and his hipster friends to gather – so they congregate on my lawn… on a Monday night… and talk politics, foreign films and the irony of commercialism at the top of their private school tinged voices… till the wee hours of the morning. Fuck you and the United Colors of Benetton branded horse you road in on.

03. People That Use Facebook as a Journal – giving a blow by blow account of every mundane task they undertake, you don’t need to post every fucking thing that pops into your head – nobody cares.

02. Facebook “Models” – just because you have a couple photos of yourself in a bikini or a corn field or whatever, does not make you a model.

01. The Ending of Lost

What offends you?

Give Judas a listen here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAWpkZSCMXU

Judas lyrics

Oh-oh-oh-ohoo

I’m in love with Juda-as, Juda-as

Oh-oh-oh-ohoo

I’m in love with Juda-as, Juda-as

Judas Juda-a-a, Judas Juda-a-a, Judas Juda-a-a, Judas GaGa

Judas Juda-a-a, Judas Juda-a-a, Judas Juda-a-a, Judas GaGa

[Lady Gaga – Verse 1]

When he comes to me, I am ready

I’ll wash his feet with my hair if he needs

Forgive him when his tongue lies through his brain

Even after three times, he betrays me

I’ll bring him down, bring him down, down

A king with no crown, king with no crown

[Chorus]

I’m just a Holy fool, oh baby he’s so cruel

But I’m still in love with Judas, baby

I’m just a Holy fool, oh baby he’s so cruel

But I’m still in love with Judas, baby

Oh-oh-oh-ohoo

I’m in love with Juda-as, Juda-as

Oh-oh-oh-ohoo

I’m in love with Juda-as, Juda-as

Judas Juda-a-a, Judas Juda-a-a, Judas Juda-a-a, Judas GaGa

[Lady Gaga – Verse 2]

I couldn’t love a man so purely

Even darkness forgave his crooked way

I’ve learned love is like a brick, you can

Build a house or sink a dead body

I’ll bring him down, bring him down, down

A king with no crown, king with no crown

[Chorus]

I’m just a Holy fool, oh baby he’s so cruel

But I’m still in love with Judas, baby

I’m just a Holy fool, oh baby he’s so cruel

But I’m still in love with Judas, baby

Oh-oh-oh-ohoo

I’m in love with Juda-as, Juda-as

Oh-oh-oh-ohoo

I’m in love with Juda-as, Juda-as

[Bridge]

In the most Biblical sense,

I am beyond repentance

Fame hooker, prostitute wench, vomits her mind

But in the cultural sense

I just speak in future tense

Judas kiss me if offensed,

Or wear ear condom next time

I wanna love you,

But something’s pulling me away from you

Jesus is my virtue,

Judas is the demon I cling to

I cling to

[Chorus]

I’m just a Holy fooll, oh baby he’s so cruel

But I’m still in love with Judas, baby

I’m just a Holy fool, oh baby he’s so cruel

But I’m still in love with Judas, baby

Oh-oh-oh-ohoo

I’m in love with Juda-as, Juda-as

Oh-oh-oh-ohoo

I’m in love with Juda-as, Juda-as

Judas Juda-a-a, Judas Juda-a-a, Judas Juda-a-a, Judas GAGA

Judas Juda-a-a, Judas Juda-a-a, Judas Juda-a-a, Judas GAGA – IOL

The 10 Best First Date Movies… That Have Been Banned…

(Please note: This post will offend anyone and most likely everyone with taste and any moral values – I urge you never to watch any of these movies)

Ahh young love, oh how it blossoms and dances in the sunlight like a whimsical flurry of emotion. The many questions that might come up prior to your first date are: what to wear? What to say? Does she like me? Do I like her? More not than often, what exploitative gore film should we watch on said first date? If you are nodding your head in agreement with the last point, then this is your kind of list. If not look away now or forever be changed for the worst.

Now whilst I generally get squeamish at the thought of any one of the 7 million “Saw” movies that have been released. I have film connoisseur friends, shall we call them friends? Yes lets (despite the effect, doing so will have on your opinion of me as a normal functioning member of society).

Anyway these friends have a rather niche taste in film and have helped me put together this list of somewhat questionable films.

As an aside:

Should you have any doubt if this list will offend you, ask yourself the following questions:

1) Do you laugh, openly at the misfortune of others?

2) Do you browse sikipaedia and find a lot of the jokes funny?

3) Do some of the websites you visit have to keep changing their address and IP, in order to not be apprehended by the authorities, for possibly peddling what may or may not be snuff?

4) Are you generally pale in complexion, with only a slight tan obtained from the backlight of your monstrous LED’s, graphic depiction of blood and entrails for hours on end?

5) Do you list two of your idols as the Marquis De Sade and Pier Paolo Pasolini?

If you have answered yes to one or more of the above: please proceed:

10) Tears of Kali (2004)

Right in the beginning of the film a woman hacks off her eyelids with nail scissors. A film about extreme self experiencing groups – a tale of horror and mutilation that comes from investing oneself in new age practices – so keep that in mind next time you attend a yoga class or eat wheat germ or use a crystal to heal something.

The story follows the Taylor-Eriksson group (extreme new age self experience hungry nut jobs) its told in three episodes Shakti, Kali and Devi – pure blood and full on gore to the max.

9) I Spit On Your Grave (1978)

A highly controversial rape revenge film, recently remade, that contains an hour of brutal rape scenes (yes scenes – the offenders follow the protagonist and rape her repeatedly – before leaving her for dead). The protagonist writer then takes revenge on her violators, picking them off one by one, as the audience cheer!

The film was banned virtually everywhere altogether and if it want it was highly censored and highly cut released with an 18+ rating. The film survived an appeal to ban it in the Australia, until it was eventually banned in 97 – you cant show acts of sexual violence as justified in Australia. The full version was then released in Oz in 2004 with a 18+ rating with the board citing that castration is not sexual violence.

8) Audition (1999)

More disturbing then it is gory when compare to some of the other films on this list. It’s a film about love and obsession gone wrong. A middle age man that has lost his wife is urged by his son to start dating again, a film producer then has this plan to hold an audition for the Aoyama’s new wife, think they are auditioning for a film.

Aoyama than falls for former ballerina named Asami, and pursues her despite being warned not to, they date, and head off to a hotel where Asami tells Aoyama of the abuse she suffered as a child, he pledges his love they have sex. He wakes to find her missing, he searches for her, she breaks into his house sees a photo of his dead wife drugs him and tortures him. She then gets her neck broken, he stares into her eyes as she dies. He lies bleeding paralysed but with all of his nerves active.

7) Guinea Pig Mermaid In A Man Hole (1988)

Another Guinea Pig film, this one is about an artist, trying to cope with the death of his wife, comes in contact with a mermaid in a sewer. He tries to paint her but soon her health starts to deteriorate and she develops boils. The artist then takes her back to his house, the boils become lacerations, he then uses the blood and pus from said lacerations to paint the portrait, she then dies and we discover this is no mermaid but his pregnant wife that he murdered and threw down a manhole and they all live happily ever after.

6) Visitor Q (2001)

Wow where to begin with this one because it is filled to the brim with weird sick random shit. At its core it is a film about a stranger; “the visitor” that comes into a really dysfunctional family’s home and bring with him chaos which reunites the family.

The film starts off with a father having sex with his teenage prostitute daughter and it’s all downhill from there. A mother on heroin, that works as a prostitute, an impotent, documentary maker, father that was raped by teens, a son that beat his mom savagely, all whilst the father films. Some stuff about lactation, necrophilia, murder and violence.

5) Guinea Pig Flower Flesh & Blood (1985)

The Guinea pig films are a series of seven films that are meticulously shot to look exactly like snuff films. Flower of Flesh & Blood’s plot revolves entirely around a guy dressed as a samurai that kidnaps a woman off the street, drugs her and then cuts her apart. Literally the whole film shows this guy documentary style carefully hack this woman to pieces and then add her body parts to his very large collection.

The film is so realistic that Charlie Sheen (before his cocaine fuelled decent into full on mental breakdown) was so convinced that the murder that takes place in the film was real that he contacted the FBI, who contacted Japanese authorities (who happened to be already investigating the film makers) who then summonsed the film makers to court to prove that the special effects were indeed fake.

4) A Serbian Film (2010)

Your average film about a down and out porn star, that decides to take a job in an art film only to find out that he has been pulled into a full on snuff film. GASP!

Perhaps one of the more disturbing films of our time, there has been a lot of hype around the film, so much so that it made its way into the discussions of normal non-exploitation film loving folk.

Already banned in several countries including Australia, it is even being investigated by the state prosecution of Serbia (a country where virtually anything goes) but I guess brutal depictions of necrophilia and child rape it was even too much for (some in) Serbia. I don’t want to ruin the end for anyone (lol) but after the protagonist discovers he has raped his wife and son he kills them all. The closing scene in the room with the family lies dead, enter a film crew, someone undoing their belt we hear the director in the background say “what are you waiting for start with the small one”

Tim Anderson of the horror review site “Bloody Disgusting” likened the movie to “having [his] soul raped” and dissuaded anyone reading his review from ever seeing it, writing: “If what I have written here is enough to turn your feelings of wonder into a burning desire to watch this monstrosity, then perhaps I haven’t been clear enough. You don’t want to see Serbian Film. You just think you do.”

3) Men Behind The Sun (1988)

A film that is in a nutshell is graphic portrayal of the war atrocities committed but the Japanese Unit 731 (the secret experimentation unit of the Japanese Army during WWII) on Chinese and Soviet prisoners during the last stages of WWII.

The plot centres around a number of young Japanese boys that are conscripted into the army and are then brought into Unit 731, here they witness gruesome experiments taking place on prisoners, as the Japanese try to create a strain of bubonic plague to unleash on their enemys.

The most disturbing part of the film is that unit 731 was an actual unit and the experiments that took place are backed up by documentation and eyewitness reports. The film is particularly controversial because it has what the director claims to be actual autopsy footage of a child and a scene where a live cat is thrown to starving rats – the rats are then set on fire.

2) Salo (120 Days of Sodom) (1975)

A film, based on a book, written by a guy that sadism was named after. The title basically sums up exactly what it’s about – 120 days of Sodom… The film itself focuses on a group of wealthy fascists who kidnap eighteen teens and subject them to four months of torture, rape, dehumanisation and extreme violence. Other things to look forward to are the graphic depictions of coprophagia, sadism and sexual depravity.

The film is divided into three parts the circle of manias, the circle of shit (charming) and then finally the circle of blood.

From an artistic point of view, “A persistent theme in Salò is the degradation and modification of the human body. Throughout the story, the human body is reduced to something of lesser value than a person – for example, never does a sexual encounter occur in private (save the consensual sex between the Bishop and a young captive). Salò has been referred to as a film presenting the “death of sex”, a “funeral dirge” of eroticism amidst sex’s mass commercialization.” that being said the film is a highly regarded piece of material, with a large group of artists signing a legal brief arguing the films artistic merit. Among them Martin Scorsese.

Salo on its release was banned in a number of countries and remains banned in a number to this day, because of the graphic portrayal of the rape, torture and murder of persons thought to be under the age of 18.

1) August Underground’s Mordum (2003)

A film you will see on many “top 10 sickest films lists” and with good reason, at the heart of it the film is about a disturbing love triangle, but most people will say the film is about is necrophilia, paedophilia and infanticide. Wikipedia goes as far as to call Mordum “…a simulated snuff film.”

More Movies To NEVER Watch:

Irreversible (2002)

Much like Memento, this tale is told in reverse, it just happens to be a tale of rape and brutality it has Monica Bellucci in it and its really disturbing – LE TEMPS DETRUIT TOUT (“Time Destroys Everything”)

Human Centipede (2010)

A doctor attaching his victims ass to mouth… surgically creating one long digestive tract throughout but sadly – the concept is more terrifying then the movie.

A Feast of Cinematic WTF

The average human being (whatever that may be) living 75 Years/900months/657 435.958 Hours, will consume, during that time, 74 996.57 Litres of water, 65 334.08 Kg’s of food, 562,500 kwh of energy or 228 tons of coal and 132 489.412 litres of petrol.

Consumption and more so consumption of natural resource is an automatic response to the will to live life (unless you are Victoria Beckham), we consume without even being aware that we are consuming, which has made me start to put some serious thought into how and what I consume. Not so much in terms of what natural resources I consume, more about what media I consume, in the 438 290.639 hours I have left. This weekend the aforementioned serious thought, did not help me.

There are times when you come across a piece of pure cinematic gold, forever changing your life for the better. Then there are the times that you lose an hour and thirty five minutes of your life as you gag down a piece of film so known to its cult following as “the best worst movie of all time”

Troll 2; A film completely unrelated to Troll 1 and despite its title, does not feature a single troll. At first glance it seems that that every one of the actors, (and I use this term very, very loosely) were chosen for their complete inability to use the correct inflection for any of the dialogue in the film.

Wikipedia seems to have some indication to what exactly the movie was about and describes the plot as follows “a family pursued by vegetarian monsters (goblins, not trolls) who seek to transform them into plants so that they can eat them.”

But the recipe for the films charm is not as a result of the substance of the plot but more as a result of the factors influencing the execution of the plot: the script was written in English by Italians who could not speak a word of English, for American actors, who could not speak a word of Italian, filmed by an exclusively Italian crew in Utah whom, (you guessed it) could not speak a word of English…

Couple this with the fact that Fragasso (the director) insisted that the script be read verbatim and the fact that most of the cast had no acting experience and you get the “best worst movie”, uncoincidentally the title of the documentary, about the phenomenon that is Troll 2 made by the failed child actor and star of Troll 2 himself.

The pure shittiness of the movie has given it cult status with sold out screenings held all over the world. Troll 2 has become so much more than a movie it is now a movement. Why is hard to say but there are some cases where a movie is so bad that it is actually good, and in this case; Troll 2 is the king of so bad that it’s good.

A feast of WTF! A showcase of visual grindcore that oozes from your TV; like films over the top green goo, you will laugh, you will cringe, but mostly you will rewind moments like this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ez7VFMNLJyc and this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OiD6IlBmtk and even this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3NMGsRmZTFQ for an umpteenth viewing.

Watch the trailer here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KCct4RwLNM

Buy the newly released blu ray here:

http://www.take2.co.za/dvd-troll-2-7783441.html

Let the Streets Run (A Lovely Shade of Vodacom) Red

We get it you’re Red, the whole of South Africa fucking gets it. Now while I might be a little late with this post, it has been simmering in me for some time, every time I pass the giant wall banner draping the construction in Sandton, I have to suppress a gag. It has gotten to the stage where I cant watch MNET because Vodacom has seemingly bought all the space between virtually every sitcom.

You have got to hand it to the brands that were so quick off the mark with the full scale assault on Vodacom for their “ingenious” Vodacom is red campaign. (See http://www.brandslut.co.za/red-wars)

Hey our service is shit, you know what will make people forget about that – lets change our colour to red and slap our controlling company’s logo on everything. What’s more let’s spend R200 million rand on this, just to make 100% sure that everyone knows we are red now. “Hey everyone look how red we are.”

What is of more interest to me, and what I think is of a bigger impact, is not the silly banter between brands or the stupidity of the campaign. It is the fact that “some” of the campaigns *cough* Cell C are bordering on comparative advertising… Which prior to the 01 April 2011, would have been COMPLETELY taboo, but now thanks to certain provisions of the New Consumer Act, the door is wide open for competitors to take a swing at each other.

This prospect may cause some to gasp (mostly brand managers), but it makes me more excited than a priest in a preschool. For far too long campaigns have been dull and irrelevant – who the fuck cares that a bulldog with a human mouth likes a truck? – (they don’t have the steady hands or coordination to drive a truck) after seeing that ad I don’t want the Hilux, I want the talking dog.

More often than not, consumers gloss over ad’s not giving them a second thought – I call this the shit filter. We the consumers have developed a strainer through which all propaganda must pass. We filter out advertising to the periphery of the content that we are truly after. Kind of like how a person living near a highway eventually doesn’t hear the clickity clack of the train. Perhaps it’s because it fills so much of our lives? Perhaps it because in an attempt to be smart, a lot of campaigns end up camouflaging that brand with something unrelated to the brand – wow what an awesome ad about a mouse, what are they selling? I swear ad execs sit and go you know what would be cool a monkey in a hat, now how do we connect this to tea… But now with the new act we can only hope that things get a little more interesting

The only red I hope to see in the near future; is that of the bloody, broken dreams of brands –necessary casualties of the age of comparative advertising.

Vodacom is More… yes it is more… than likely going to set a precedent for comparative advertising

A very cool article on the Vodacom is red campaign:

http://www.thoughtleader.co.za/hansiesmit/2011/04/06/vodacom-is-not-red-vodacom-is-dead

Finish Him

“Good Day, I hate to bother you but I am quite concerned about your son! For starters the pictures he is drawing are not healthy, although he does have a flair for drawing, decapitated heads, spine and all are not what I was expecting when I asked the class to draw some of their favourite things. But more than that he has been acting out, this may sound alarming but I caught him pulling on his friends head, yelling fatality. I am not sure where this obsession with violence stems from but I think it needs to be addressed at home…”

Needless to say I was banned from watching late night TV but the true source of my teachers concern lay firmly yet secretly jammed into the slot of my Sega Mega Drive.

I must have been around 8 or 9 years old when I got my first copy of Mortal Kombat (good job mom and dad) but my obsession started way before that in the arcades attached to casinos, slotting token after token into a machine that relentless ate into my pocket money.

Mortal Kombat filled so many hours of my childhood that I really should not have thumbs. But I do and I am grateful for said thumbs, if only to play the next instalment of the greatest game on earth (that and hold a fork and firmly grasp a beer)

Many would say that there hasn’t been a great Mortal Kombat since MK Ultimate, and for the most part they would be right. I bought them all I played them all to death and I loved every single chapter except deception (I don’t know what the fuck that was about) but after much killing and maiming of the dreams of a generation of fans. The franchise has returned to its bloody, mature rating roots, utilising the 2D game play that put it on the map all driven by a super slick graphic engine.

The game will be full of everyone’s favourite characters performing fatalities in gorier detail than ever before as well as the super visually impressive x-ray combos seen in some of the initial footage released. It looks like my living room is set to be filled with hours of complete and utter carnage and I for one cannot wait to freeze my friends and kick them firmly in the face before ripping their body in two.

To add to the excitement t a trailer was released last year; for what seemed to be a gritty, completely awesome Mortal Kombat movie. This short dubbed, Mortal Kombat: Rebirth was shrouded in mystery, and for sometime nobody knew what the hell was going on was it a promo for the game? Was it for a movie? But in no time and for sometime (see what I did there) it was more viral than the swine flu epidemic.

It turns out that the Youtube short was actually a pitch by Kevin Tancheroen’s (co-writer of the web series “Spartacus: Blood and Sand”) this pitch has since turned into a what will be a 10 part web series, Tancheron put the concept to the people that really mattered; the fans, who have played a massive roll in getting the series the green light.

I for one would have way preferred it to kick off as a movie and after you have seen the short I am sure you will agree: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kd4HAtUEdAw

Tancheron keeps in touch with fans directly as production for Rebirth presses on, if you want to keep up to date check it out here: http://twitter.com/ktanch

Pre-Order Mortal Kombat here: http://btgames.co.za/bt/infopage.asp?H07096 I know I am going too, unless someone wants to give me a copy… (awkward) There is a lot of talk about when it will hit shelves but apparently 19 April 2011 is a good indicator.

————————————————————————————————————————–

A full list of Characters has been leaked and here they are:

Scorpion
Liu Kang
Kung Lao
Sub-Zero
Sindel
Ermac
Reptile
Kitana
Johnny Cage
Jade
Mileena
Nightwolf
Cyrax
Noob Saibot
Smoke
Sektor
Sonya
Jax
Kano
Stryker
Shang Tsung
Baraka
Kabal
Raiden
DLC – Sheeva
DLC – Quan Chi
DLC – Scarlet
Kratos (if youre playing it on a PS3)

Source: http://www.n00balert.com/mortal-kombat-9-full-character-list-revealed

The Allure of the Micro Brewery

In a world where everything is created on a production line, from our cars to our clothes, the bespoke is seemingly for those with deep pockets. However in most cases what manufacturers call handmade, is usually thrown together in the same factory and in a similar fashion to the same items produced for mass market.

Now don’t get me wrong industry is great. I am just as grateful for machine operated production lines as I am for the child filled sweatshops in Cambodia, for one reason and one reason only: they churn out a consistent product. BUT nothing beats something that is consistent as well as hand crafted to perfection. Something that you can enjoy without the guilt and sweaty taste/smell those foreign children leave on the goods.

Out near Muldersdrift tucked neatly into the Ngwenya Glass village is the very best brew pub in the whole of South Africa. It’s not the great vibe, the awesome food, friendly service or even off beat sense of humour of Steve Gilroy (owner and master brewer) that make Gilroys as amazing as it is (although certainly play their part). It is the handcrafted ales from Gilroy’s on site craft brewery that are the true champion of the pub.

When it comes to commercial beer in South Africa, you can get a stout (mind you its only three), a pilsner (again probably only two) and more often than not you will get lumped with a lager.

But beer is so much more than a collection of lagers. I dread going to a bottle store that is not Norman Goodfellows (who have a great collection of imported and craft beers) because I am going to no doubt come face to face with a fridge filled with mass produced lagers. All of which, if I drink them, will tell the world something about me, whether it be that I am stylish, or that I like to party or that I am the everyday man that deserves a reward in the form of shitty lager at the end of a hard days work.

With a beer like Gilroy, you can taste that is a quality beer, there is no marketing team pushing the beer like crack, sitting in a boardroom deciding what the “Gilroy man” is like and who he should be what qualities and words he needs to represent to flog the stuff to an aspirational bunch of posers. It just great fucking beer, that says nothing more about me then, that I like good beer.

I feel like every draft was made and poured especially for me. You can taste that it is hand crafted and actually probably good for you. My Gilroy of choice, is a black and tan, a mix of Gilroy Serious (a dark ruby ale) and Gilroy Favourite (a light ale) Gilroy is a beer I am willing to travel 1000km’s for (although I don’t it’s more like 30km) and once you have had it you will be too.

All of that being said nothing has opened my eyes more to how far, and for lack of a better word; cool, handcrafted goods are, than Discovery Channels new show Brewmasters. A show about a craft brewery in the states called Dogfish Head, where the owner Sam Calagione “travels across America and around the globe as he explores new ingredients and techniques and collaborates with other craft brewers to come up with the next great brew.”

—————————————————————————————–

Catch Brewmasters on Discovery (Channel 121) on a Monday at 20h55

More Info on:

http://www.facebook.com/discoverynetworkssouthafrica

——————————————————————————————

More Info on:

http://www.gilroybeers.co.za
——————————————————————————————-

Also check out these other handcrafted beers:

http://www.hnb.co.za

http://www.draymans.com/home.html

http://www.clarensbrewery.co.za