Too Fat For Fashion

“You’re beautiful just the way you are”. What a lovely premise for 300 pound person to cling too.After all if Oprah tells you that you are perfect no matter what shape or size, it has to be true. With shows like “How To Look Good Naked” and the plus size model movement its been relatively easy to be fat and content.

Talk shows have made a business out of creating victims out of anyone that has something to deal with and then “empowering” them on national and global TV. These snake oil salesmen for the 21st century  in their typical faith healer style, sell hope and a sense of comfort to those that need it most, like their opinion is the gospel. Whether its their height or weight or their moral compass – the way society views you is wrong – and you are beautiful in your own way, and with a little confidence and dressing to compliment your form, you too can be ramp model gorgeous, this all said with a straight face and the roar of applause of the stupid audience.

THIS MOVEMENT IS NOW DEAD,  Health is the new wealth, stopping being fat and run Mother F*cker Run. There is no room for fast food munching unattractive people on the highway of life, so slap on some shoes, take to the suburbs and run. Fed up with false security, we allow some one else to step in and create insecurity.

Out of these two schools of thought i cant decide which i dislike more. So the best way forward – be fat but be unhappy about it – because being fat is not good, you should be out there being the best you possible, if youre not, meh that’s also ok but you’re just going to have to be ok with not being beach ready.

Being the “less than narrow” gent that i am… OK that’s quite euphemistic of me. I am chubby! If i am honest i am fatter then i should be and in denial, so lets just spare my feelings and say i am a chubby guy, an XL to be exact – but i often like to buy one size bigger (just to self consciously in hide the folds of fabric) Why you ask, because i don’t exercise at all, i only eat one maybe two meals a day of which one is generally a healthy supper and the other a poorly selected lunch. Whats more up until about 3 months ago, i plied myself with generous face smashings of natures fat maker; Beer… but that has stopped and i have replaced it with an even poorer substitute: natures red happiness inducing soda. Hmmm liquid health.

Reasons for my chubbiness aside, the chub its self proves to be a bit of a problem when it comes to shopping, especially if you’re hoping to buy something from a trendy outlet and not dress like a middle aged man, or aging – and if i was the minority, id possible be more understanding but South Africa, is filled with Fat people, loads of them In fact more then half the population (61%) are either overweight or obese. We are the 3rd fattest nation. So why do most retailers only cater for 49%, in fact im going to go out on a limb here and say that even in that 49% most people lean to the larger side of the spectrum.

So why do retailers just point blank refuse to stock anything bigger than a Large or Slim Fit XL. REALLY, A SLIM FIT XL – its an XL for a reason should we really be cutting into the waist, or am i missing a large population of gents with extremely wide shoulders and tiny waists? Because as it stands i see very few ruler shaped people that these slim and of course the new Ultra/Super Slim Fit range would fit or flatter.

What is it with these stores, that they point blank refuse to cater to 61% of the population? Do they hate money? Would they rather make less profit than deal with the thought of a fat person, wearing their tailored for the narrow apparel, or is it their naturally small, mostly Asian manufacturers that do not have a clue about how to create garments for the less then lilliputian masses that dominate our population, or is it perhaps that the children that stitch these clothes together are unable to work with larger pieces of fabric?

What ever the case trip after trip to the shops: have lead me to believe that the following stores simply HATE chubby peeps:

Dance Music, played at ridiculous volumes, young waif thin girls with a constant pout and douche bags in tap out shirts wonder the isles to find primarily smalls and mediums, occasionally a large, rarely a slim fit XL (that is basically a Large or Medium) Pants size seldom go over a 36, but all the clothes in store no matter what the size are cut by Asian hands with Narrow people in mind. Keep the whip cracking, Australia history of disenfranchising minorities upheld proudly even abroad

 

Chubby? Looking for a really cool coat? A nice jacket? Or maybe a golf shirt? You have come to the wrong place. Nothing over a large graces the hangers at Zara, if you’re lucky to find one of their Turkish or Asian made XLs prepare to be disappoined,  they fit like a large or possibly a medium. But out of their sales staffs mouth, no sorry we dont keep anything bigger than XL. (slim fit) and the ultra new ultra trendy Extra slim fit for those of us built like hammers. Whats more if the have 5 or 6 items in the whole of the guys section that come in XL it would be a stretch.

 

Not my favourite store to start with, they are no longer relevent but they are possibly the worst of the bunch when it comes to stocking for the plus size man or woman. They point blank refuse to stock sizes bigger than a large or 38 pants size (possibly a 36). They might as well stick a sign above their door that says fat people not welcome, your money is no good here or simply narrow the door and solve the problem at the source.

 

Sportscene is no better, XLs that could fit a medium, unhelpul staff, and the easy listening that is dubstep. Here’s some advice, music in a store is necessary  but it doesn’t need to played so loud that you cant hear yourself speak and it doesn’t need to be dubstep – nothing makes me leave a store quicker. We get it, you’re relevant and edgy and down with the kids but you also could not give a shit about anyone looking for an XL or larger.

 

Topshop & Topman stock an amazing array of trendy, fashionable goods in a choice of two cuts: Slim and MEGA ULTRA SLIM. The smell of Bulima wafts through the air, as pints sizes divas fill their arms with garments no cheaper than R500-00 a pop, armed with mommy and her credit card donning  pants pulled so high that their camel toes could develop their own personality, or peplums with out the skirt. Drowned out by deep house, you are disorientated and uncomfortable, and they only way out is past the cash register poor and broken. Whats more the equivalent of a Topshop here is a Mr Price rocking up in the UK and charging Premium pound, for what should be affordable clothing.

Anger aside, i am no fatvocate, looking like shit is a wonderful motivator to shed a couple pounds, but id rather make that decision myself and not have it dictated to me by retailers that refuse to cater to the majority.

When B(r)ands Kill

There is a long unfortunate history of casualties at concerts and shows. and at the heart there is always someone to blame. Just this Wednesday a young girl was tragically killed at a Cape Town Linkin Park Concert, when a branding pillar came tumbling down. This got some debate going in the office, as to who would be to blame and ultimately responsible for the disaster. 

The infamous Station Nightclub Fire, killed 100 people, after a manager set pyrotechnics off indoors, not taking into account the kilograms of foam packing material backstage and the glaring fact that they were indoors – the tour manager and nightclub owner both served hard time for their negligence. 

In Buenos Aries. A club filled with 3000 people and equally filled with safety issues, locked exits and a lack of a sprinklers resulted in the death of 194 people most as a result to smoke inhalation and toxic fumes.

The list goes on Concerts featuring: The Who, Stevie Wonder, Eminem, the Offspring, the Kills, the Deftones, Damageplan and so many more have all resulted in tragedy and death.

With regard to the Cape Town tragedy Linkin Park took to their facebook page to “deep sadness and concern for those injured and heartfelt condolences to the family of the fan who died…”

the poor girl had a name, if the condolences were that heartfelt surely it would do them well to learn it. these “heartfelt” word crafted, no doubt, by their publicist, were followed by less heartfelt words crafted by their attorneys:

“Though we have had no relationship with the sponsor or the entity responsible for erecting the structure, we take the safety of our fans very seriously and our thoughts are with all of those who were affected by this tragedy.”

Despite my criticism above, the band would have had nothing to do with the structure, and are as far removed from blame as any of the parties involved in the concert could get. The structural engineer, followed closely by the concert organiser and the brand itself, are however open to debate in the blame game.

The concert organiser, being ultimately responsible for the concert itself should be held to the standard of the reasonable professional to hire the best possible engineer to ensure that the structures erected around the concert are stable in all kinds of weather, predictable or not.

The City of Cape Town certifying the structure as safe and secure can also take some of the blame but most of it lies in the hands of the engineers that had ”pre-approved and certified the structure as safe prior to the event”.

While we’re on it, it would be interesting to know if Lucozade and the manufacturer of the giant banner had taken into account the fabrics ability to breath into account and if there were U shaped whole cut into the banner (as is done with most large outdoor banners) to let air through.

When all is said and done it was pointless stupid and whomever is responsible was unacceptably negligent, I hope they pay dearly.

Joburg I don’t need to TRY to love you because you are loved

Johannesburg a somewhat confused emerging city, filled with a muted vibrancy of its own kind that makes it so difficult NOT to love. Sure it has its moments of rat race tension that any city would face, but at its core it’s a laid back and sleepy. When compared to a city like Bangkok; we are the little league of cities, the diet coke of cities, the regular Mc D’s Happy Meal of cites, but will not be for long. Progress is relentless and so if you find yourself saying Joburg I’m trying so hard to love you, followed by a splutter of beatnik hippy rant, in the form of free flow spoken word perhaps its time, to revaluate the person you are:

(Disclaimer – this is no way a commentary on the Guy with Camera, but rather on the mindset itself)

1. Shave your Goatee – You look like a Capetownian Child Molester.

2. Change your attire – You’re not cool enough to wear anything ironically leave Baggy sleeveless Lady Gaga shirts to the delusional hipster kids, with their skinny pipe stove corduroy and large non prescription black frame glasses.

3. Change your attitude – Nobody has the right to live as a sarcastic caricature of themselves.

4. Embrace a bustling economy and commercialism – Because although the best things in life aren’t things, things are still pretty fucking cool.

5. Stop whining – because you sound like a C*nt! Maybe move to a really busy city or a war zone to gain some perspective on how great we have it here in dear old JHB.

This is your mission, should you choose to accept it, and should you not… Start a blog to bitch about my post.

Joburg I don’t need to try to love you because you are loved. Your summer mid afternoon showers, that clear the air as it rises from sweltering tarmac. Your wide open spaces and untouched land that you seldom see in other cities. You first world malls in a third world country. Your productivity to build a better Joburg.

I would be complaining about your traffic but having seen what Bangkok is like with its bumper to bumper traffic everyday of the week throughout the night and morning, I am thankful for our smooth running roadways. Your summer concerts and winter breeze. Your Art on Main to your Shebeen parties to your backyard braais. Your beautiful woman (never dressed in hardy) and your gees filled rugby. Your racism free, free think youth built on the foundation of your stupid mistakes. Your wildlife and you wilder life. Your freedom to choose the life you live, whether it be Ed Hardy Bedecked douche bag, Markham white collared working stiff, artist or hipster, rugby loving boerewors fed Afrikaner or black diamond in the rough, Amakhosi for life or up the bucs – you choose to live the life you choose, in one of the best setting in the world – Joburg I don’t need to try to love you because you are loved

It’s Summer Bitches

This morning as I ascended one of the 7 million escalators to daylight from the nether regions of the Gautrain; I passed the descending escalator on which, struggled, a skinny bespectacled gent in his late 20’s lugging two huge suitcases with a hand bag around his throat and a wad of papers in his mouth (e-tickets I presume) whilst his lady friend and her friend descended, burdened only by the fact that their male friend was holding them up.

“Ahh Lwandi, We’re going to be late” she squealed, “sho, eish, ahh”, he responded incapable of uttering anything under the weight of the girls luggage and a barrage of flagellation and curse words, to which, (let’s just call her “bitch face”) actually starts beating this poor guy with a rolled up copy of Elle.

This got me thinking, why not say “hey, if you carried your own fucking bags you Kug wannabe wank, then we wouldn’t be late and I would be way ahead of you because let’s face it, I’m a skinny black guy possibly of Kenyan decent and I could out run you any day on a level playing field, but I have to carry yours, mine and your buddies bags, because I was unfortunate enough to be born with a penis, the inability to find a decent woman and the propensity for gentleman like behaviour so fucking deal or help you selfish cow!”

But instead he muttered through a wad of paper jammed firmly in his mouth “mm sommeee, imaa tynnnn” roughly translated “I’m sorry, I’m trying” and this got me wondering what he had under his testicles. But this has nothing to do with what I want to write about today at all.
When I got to the top of the last escalator, I was greeted by the sun in all its bright, summery glory. Leaving Lwandi and bitch face in the past with one incredibly awesome but simple notion in my head. Summer is the fucking shit!

For most summer means beaches and days by the pool, refilling their aircon in the car, the coast, Bikinis, boardshorts and braais.

For me it conjures up memories of Rock n Roll, mixtapes, Woodstocks passed, Music Festivals, too much beer, tattoos, haircuts, deadly punch, mosquitoes, blonde hair, giant penii built on the beach, seafood, sushi, sidewalk seating, rabble rousing, sleeping in, going out, sun burn, sweaty packed crowds, trolley racing up the road from Gateway with Rowan, being chewed out for making a noise at 03h00 in the morning, buckets of ice, Christmas shopping, busy malls, wimpy breakfasts, tamikinis, chops in wife beaters, mud, walking in the rain, hayfever, Mauritius and so much more.

Now that you are at the end of this, you’re going what a self indulgent load of wank, yes, yes it is but hopefully it has given you some scope to reflect on what summer means to you as we end off the year with the end of work in sight, if not you’re probably a prick.

Mark Esterhuysen: Attention Seeking Whore

Fuck Fuckity, Fuck Fuck Fuckeroo!

Mark Esterhuysen, attention seeking whore, or a product of South Africa at odds with the natural order?

If you haven’t heard the grave yard shift rant by one; Mark Esterhuysen, self proclaimed anarchist, cunning linguist and master debater, oh and former Eye Witness News Reader. It’s worth a look for curiosity’s sake if anything else at all. Mark totally lost his shit on 702; during what was supposed to be a news cast. Going on about fuck this and fuck that, in an ineloquent display of fuckery.

I personally don’t get what the big deal is to be quite honest, was it the correct platform to go on a “fucking” rampage? Er probably not, but was there any risk of a 3 year old kid hearing it at one in the morning? Was it unprofessional and stupid – no doubt and if we face facts mark has a little bit of a point (although he need to work on his delivery)

With all the shit that has been going down in SA, more and more people are fed up, especially the youth that are done paying for the sins of their fathers (no wait great grandfathers) there is no reason to be militant, if we are to rage against anything it shouldn’t be against our fellow South Africans it should be against corruption, Right and left wing dick heads, anyone with an agenda political or otherwise.

The bottom line is that there are a lot of young South Africans that feel like Mark (but are not giant attention seeking dick heads) It’s not hard to become completely disillusioned with the current state of things – we live in a society where young South Africans are divided into 2 groups belligerent twat bags, angry about all the right stuff but taking the wrong action, against the wrong people, and the complacent but unhappy nihilists that do nothing but hide their head in the sand and wish for a better South Africa.

That being said I get Marks point and agree with it, but think he is a giant directionless cheese bal., I applaud anyone brave enough to take action who stand a up for what they believe in, but if you’re going to take action, take it beyond the mindless babble.

What am I doing you ask? Nothing I am a complacent unhappy nihilist with anger issues I’m hoping with some nurturing I can be a belligerent twat bag.

Now that we have established that this has been a completely pointless post: Here is my “Fuck Rant” – feel free to add anything you think I may have left out in the comment section

Fuck crime.

Fuck busses driving to Sandton.

Fuck traffic.

Fuck the cost of living.

Fuck poor service delivery.

Fuck automated recording on customer service lines.

Fuck home affairs ques.

Fuck umbrellas indoors as a branding exercise.

Fuck tenderpreneurs.

Fuck the upcoming tolls.

Fuck the Secrecy Bill.

Fuck Tween Wave.

Fuck the rand to dollar.

Fuck those ads that spurt audio just as you stand at the urinal.

Fuck shitty shows like Idols.

Fuck capped lines.

Fuck people who squeeze into a full lift to go up one floor.

Marks Rant:

Presenter: “It’s just past one o’clock.”

Cue introduction music: “This is Eyewitness News”

Mark Esterhuysen: “Good morning. *clears throat* I’m Mark Esterhuysen. F*** racism. F*** the pigs who killed Andries Tatane. F*** the AWB. F*** racism. We are all wild animals meant to live free. *speeds up* F*** capitalism. F*** fascism. F*** this f***ing wage-slavery graveyard s***. F*** domestication.

F*** Malema. F*** the state. F*** perpetual economic growth on a finite planet. This is the only f***ing planet we have. If you don’t agree with me, please see my blog: markesterhuysen.blogspot.com. Peace. Love. Respect. Anarchy. Follow me on Twitter @markesterhuysen. You can follow me on Facebook, as well. Mark Esterhuysen.”

Things that pissed me off today!!!

You know those days everyone has them, the angrier of us, have them a lot more often then others. But somewhere at some stage, even if you are the happiest, can’t get me down no matter what I am going to smile, person ever, the Universe is going to come and take a massive shit on your life!

Things the pissed me off today!!!

You know those days everyone has them, the angrier of us, have them a lot more often then others. But somewhere at some stage, even if you are the happiest, can’t get me down no matter what I am going to smile, person ever, the Universe is going to come and take a massive shit on your life!

1.Taxis

They are everywhere and that’s ok, it’s not ok when they use my drive way as an unofficial stop to off load passengers for 10 minutes, while I’m trying to get to work.

 

 

2. That EC license plate little brunette

I know you’re lost and confused by the sight of tar covered roads and traffic lights but seriously this is Johannesburg, you are not on a tractor on your daddies farm, we have lanes and stop streets, and cars!

3.The big mama in the PT Cruiser

Just because you have a sticker on the back of your car that’s says you own the road, does not give you the right to push in and out of lanes like you’re fucking the road! I understand that you did your license in a big truck to avoid the parallel parking bit and then probably paid for it but you too are a wanker!

4.BUSES

Ahh my old arch nemesis, But today I think I may have met their leader, no different in appearance, this mega bus has gained leadership by the sheer fact that he is the biggest douche bag of the bunch.

Having driven the Sandton route for some time, I have grown to know the wanker stops (wanker stops – common places for busses to treat as unofficial busses stops, this includes traffic lights, on the other side of intersections, and construction areas) but seemingly your leader doesn’t adhere to these and can and will stop even in the middle of the road! At a merge, or anywhere he fancies. there is very little I hate more than a big orange bus! Thank you for making my drive to work consistently shit!

5.People who cannot park

Those white lines are there for a reason dickhead!

 

 

 

 

6.Lifts

That take 15 min to travel down 8 floors!

7.The Ladies from Trumps

That are already on the lift and insist on using the lift mirrors as a bathroom mirror, touching up make up, fiddling with their hair, picking blemishes and staring at themselves so closely in the mirror that their noses; should be so furiously tickled with anticipation that I have no idea what is stopping them from becoming one with the mirror.

This although grossly inappropriate would be fine(ish) if they didn’t have asses on them that resembled truck trailers, now whilst I’m not the smallest guy on the planet, should my giant ass be blocking an entrance I would move it, no not them, I am left to fight through a sea of cellulite and ass, oh so much ass, before I can make my way to the back of the lift.

8.The lift talker

The person that is bound to get on the floor after you and that doesn’t stop talking to you, and anyone that will listen about shit you don’t care about.

9.The arseholes from Eur*pcar

I get on at P3 the lift now has 6 people in and can take a maximum of 8, the lift stops at P1, 10 Eur*pcar twats board the lift, some of them well over 100kgs one of them even heavier, I can smell her sweaty pit inches away from my nose!. Surprise surprise the lift won’t go, it’s overloaded. 2 Eur*pcar twats get off, again HUGE surprise it won’t fucking go, “um the lift is not going to go there are far too many people on it”, “OH,” big betty replies, Francois go off. Another two get off, it still won’t go eventually we are left with 4 (of the largest) the lift strains under the weight and goes up one floor and they get off. ONE FUCKING FLOOR, these lazy wankers could not take one small flight of stairs!!!

10.The Delivery guy on the third floor

The Guy that smells like somebody shat into the body of dead hobo that had also in fact shat himself after possibly eating the remains of another dead hobo, and who than insists on standing right up against you even though the lift is not empty, this rancid sweat falling off all over you like a golden shower from an animal that takes joy from rolling in his own faeces!

Now that I am in the safety of my office I can only hope the day gets better from here!

The Secrecy Bill

Fuck The Secrecy Bill

Can you keep a secret? Well the government can and soon they will have the legislative right to keep whatever secret they want, despite what The Constitution promises!

Tomorrow (20 September 2011) The National Assembly will vote on The Protection of Information Bill, more affectionately known as the Secrecy Bill so I figured I may as well post this now, in case I am not “allowed to” going forward. (Here’s hoping the bill is not retroactive)

This “bill” is effectively taking a shit, no taking a huge shit, of governmental proportions on our Constitutional rights, more specifically on our section 32 right to access information and the medias right to freedom of expression! The Bill itself has been called many things but is possibly best described as “a superhighway to the freedom of corruption, illegality and acts by those protected by it of Caligula like proportions!”

The Bill seeks “To provide for the protection of certain information from destruction, loss or

unlawful disclosure & to regulate the manner in which information may be protected” – in a nut shell and detailed in the bill as to protect information deemed to be of “National Interest” – what is of a national interest you say? Well let’s just say National Interest isn’t exactly narrow in its definition.

What this little piece of NATIONALIST legislation does; is place Ministers, the government and anyone else they deem apart of their little exclusive club above criticism, more than that it allows all organs of state to do exactly what they want, without fear of negative publicity or criticism, it criminalises whistle blowing, the publication of leaked documents, and forces unprecedented secrecy on our judiciary!

How do we have a free and fair election if those that should have the power (the people) are kept in the dark? The answer is simple we don’t.

The Bill is said to replace an apartheid era piece of legislation on official secrets – but it seems to be taken right out of the nationalist hand book! So effectively we are replacing a piece of draconian legislation with another piece of draconian legislation? “Why not just call the Bill the new apartheid, secrecy bill of we can do what the fuck we want.”

It is right time that the people of South Africa put aside political party loyalty and “speak out to put a stop to what now represents an enforced ‘marriage’ of elite convenience.”

DO IT

If you would like to take a look at the Bill you can do so here:

http://www.info.gov.za/view/DownloadFileAction?id=118894

A section of particular contention:

Protection of Information Bill

National interest of Republic

11. (1) The national interest of the Republic includes, but is not limited to—

(a) all matters relating to the advancement of the public good; and

(b) all matters relating to the protection and preservation of all things owned or maintained for the public by the State.

(2) The national interest is multi-faceted and includes—

(a) the survival and security of the State and the people of South Africa; and

(b) the pursuit of justice, democracy, economic growth, free trade, a stable monetary system and sound international relations.

(3) Matters in the national interest include—

(a) security from all forms of crime;

(b) protection against attacks or incursions on the Republic or acts of foreign interference;

(c) defence and security plans and operations;

(d) details of criminal investigations and police and law enforcement methods;

(e) significant political and economic relations with international organisations and foreign governments;

(f) economic, scientific or technological matters vital to the Republic’s stability, security, integrity and development; and

(g) all matters that are subject to mandatory protection in terms of sections 34 to

42 of the Promotion of Access to Information Act, whether in classified form or not.

(4) The determination of what is in the national interest of the Republic must at all times be guided by the values referred to in section 1 of the Constitution.

And for those of you that don’t know:

Constitution of the Republic of South Africa, 1996

32. Access to information

1. Everyone has the right of access to ­
1. any information held by the state; and
2. any information that is held by another person and that is required for the exercise or protection of any rights.
2. National legislation must be enacted to give effect to this right, and may provide for reasonable measures to alleviate the administrative and financial burden on the state.

Bar or Whore House?

You get different kinds of bars for different kinds of folks, but never before has a bar been suited to more of an alternate purpose than the Baron Sandton! Filled with Johannesburg “upper crust” (thanks Ines) it serves as the local for anyone with a money clip and a monocle! – ok so that’s a stretch. The drinks are average for the area and it’s a pretty relaxed vibe as far as thegents are concerned, but only by virtue of the fact that sports and sports pubshave the ability to render the wealthiest in the most casual of moods!

BUT when it comes to the ladies at the Baron, single, bar fly,”doneups” trawl the length and breadth of the bar with their senses finally tuned to the smell of animal bedecked paper and platinum coloured plastic.You can spot them a mile away, they are the only ones wearing high heels to a Sunday morning World Cup screening, some of them swopping the usual skin tight cocktail dress for a children’s sized rugby jersey and a push (way) up bra, but only because (rich) guys love a girl with a big… heart filled, with gees!

Due to its location; one can almost certainly encounter a media mogul, loadedattorney, broker, advocate and the occasional multi million rand propertyowner-slash-entrepreneur!

Whilst it’s theideal venue to go shopping for a future kept woman/mistresses with an insatiable hunger for the finer things or a sugar daddy, it’s not a half bad place to catch the game!

So with World Cup in full swing, step out of your regular pub and experience bar hospitality in a pub that isn’t quite what you would normally step into:

The Rough Bar – Deep South Pub

Where: Walkerville –Johannesburg South

Contact Details: …

What to Eat: I cant say I did

You will Hear: “Ya show us yoh tits”

Clientele: Rough Locals

There isn’t much in Walkerville, mostly just open spaces, clean air, livestock and barefoot locals.What they do have in abundance however, are pubs! There are probably more pubs in Walkerville than there are in the rest of South Africa. Why you ask? How the hell am I supposed to know! Maybe milking cows and cutting down blue gums makes you thirsty?

Now a lot of thesepubs are not half bad (despite what private schooled Northern twatbags say),but one pub stands out as the roughest and that is Deep South Pub (Pronounced Souf allowing just enough air through your missing teeth for a slight whistle)The very name alone should let you know what you’re in for; it’s the kind of place, the roughest guys in the South call rough.

Now don’t get me wrong I amfrom the South, and I love it but the Deep South Pub, is one place I have only visited once (a long time ago). The prices are great but the clientele maketh the rep, and when a large lady in a far too small wife beater, with far too much make up; yells through nicotine stained teeth, and a veil of unwashed hair “hei you blerrie kids don touch dat fukin dop or aill give you a vet poes klap…” you know you’re in the wrong place, unless that’s your thing.

(Disclaimer – Now whilst I actually think Mr Kibbles in Kibler Park is more befitting of this title, I can’t find it in myself to call that dive a pub)

The Biker Bar – Magics Pub

Where: Walkerville – Plot 88, Old Vereeniging Rd, Johannesburg South

Contact Details: magicspub@yahoo.com

What to Eat: Jack Daniels

You will Hear: The Jukebox (it used to bepre-teen metal bands)

Clientele: Bikers, Locals and Repslooking for an excuse not to go home.

On one of the more dangerous roads to drive at night, possibly because of the incredible amount ofpubs in the area and the government’s reluctance to re-tar the road; Magic’s is a regular stop for bikers, and when some of the bigger rally’s are happeningits packed to capacity. It has a nice atmosphere for what it is, but it’s notexactly the place you frequent if your idea of a pub is O’Hagan.

The Old Mans Bar – The Buck and Hog

Where: Emmarentia – Cnr Levubu and Oliphants
Contact Details: thebucknhog@gmail.com, 011-782-0747

What to Eat: Traditional Pub Fare

You will Hear: The sound of men that don’t want to go home to their wives

Clientele: Locals

What to Know: They have an awesome name and they have merch, in fact Igot my favourite mug from them.

A really pleasant old local pub, the foods alright and the drink reasonably priced, the peoplekeep to themselves, a nice little place to go if you live in the area and cannot face heading to another over priced franchise.

Legendary Bar – Radium Beer Hall

Where: Louis Botha

Contact Details: manny@theradium.co.za or 011 728-3866

What to Eat: The Prawns are as legendary as the place itself but everything is good.

You will Hear: Foot Tapping Jazz or a variety of Top South African Musos

Clientele: A variety of young and middle aged peeps, SA Musos, Media and all round coolpeople

What to know: Is the oldest surviving bar and grill in JHB (they havepics of the pub on the wall where Louis Botha was a sand road and patrons cameby wagon) Opened as a tearoom by the Khalil family in 1929, the Radium had a double life as a shebeen. It sold liquor to black customers who were barred from drinking “white man’s booze” in that day and age. After 13years, a wine and malt licence was acquired and the Radium Tearoom became the Radium Beerhall – The Radium is stooped in history. Check the full story outhere: www.theradium.co.za

The Radium (which is now more than 100 years old) was one of the coolest most legendary bars around when your granddad went there and im happy to say it still is! “The walls are covered in memorabilia, from photos of pre-war soccer teams and jazz musos who have played there, to vintage posters and press clippings that record the Radium’s history.” If you haven’t been there it’s definitely about time. A real JHB gem!

The Bachelors Bar – Hooters

Where: Buzz ShoppingCentre Fourways

Contact Details: 011 658 0311 http://www.hooterssouthafrica.com

What to Eat: Wings or Shrimp

You will Hear: A cacophony of noise from douche bags “having a goodtime”, if you are lucky you will hear The Game on one of their 40 Plasmas

Clientele: Sportslovers, generally a young cosmopolitan crowd of silly guys and girls trying to out sexy the waitresses, a hand full of old pervy men douche bags a plenty.

What to Know: At any one time, of the 370 Guests at Hooters (normally closer to 500 people), a good 200 of them are celebrating someone’s bachelor party, which means you and your wife/girlfriend/friends are going to be constantly badgered by some dude that has to kiss your wife or writhe on yourtable, or jam his fake plastic breasts and penis on you for his friends amusement for the sin of getting married

On their website they say “Hooters is well-known for its brand of food and fun, featuring a casual beach-theme atmosphere, a menu that features seafood, sandwiches and Hooters nearly world famous chicken wings, and service provided by the girl-next-door, We dare you to go to a boring restaurant ever again!” yip they are right, it’s not boring a typical hooters experience will involve the following:

You arrive with your group of friends to find no parking and no table, at the door you are frisked by one of the four or more really huge bouncers and asked for your ID (even if you’re 82), you then force your way through one of the 500 bachelor parties; to a table, you order a beer with the approximate volume of a kiddies pool, and a plate of wings!

During your time athooters you can look forward to being badgered (over and over) by: A pack ofbachelors that are trying to put their giant plastic cock on your wife or one of the scores insecure girlfriends that are determined to wear less than the waitresses. These girls spend their evening being ignored by their boyfriend,so they flirt with anything with a pulse and a penis. This makes their boyfriends jealous, exactly what she wants – with one small variation. His jealousy, does not turn his attention to her; but to you and you end up on the floor “fo checking his binnit out.”

If you escape anarrow brush with death, you will be lucky enough to catch bits and pieces ofone of the 5 million sporting events on one of the 5 million TV’s – Awesome yousay! No not really – You can see the TV’s brilliantly, but you cant hear athing, even if they were to put the sound up all you would hear is an inaudiblemess as it reverberates through the giant wooden room. Still waiting for your wings (that you ordered over an hour ago) and on to your next litre of beer,you head to the loo, you step over piles of bodies of guys passed out in their own vomit and by the time you return, your wings are on the table, but alas! You have no appetite because smell of sambuca tinged vomit lingering in your nostrils.You go home unhappy, only to come back again a month later.

Student Hang Out – The Bowls Club

Where: Zoo Lake,Bowls Club, Parktown

Contact Details: 011 646 1131

What to Eat: Pizza is great, and all the food is really well priced

You will Hear: Noisy Students

Clientele: Students

What to Know: The booze is cheap, the food even cheaper but the crowd is young, and there is seldom space.

The Zoo Lake Bowling Club is one of the best places to get solidly liquored upin Jozi, if that’s your thing – The drinks are ridiculously cheap, and it’sprobably cheaper to eat at Bowls then it is to eat at home. I have been therewith a R100 bucks and I swear I bought 4 draughts and a pizza, the only problemis that once you have grown up. For the most part as I am sure you can imagine,it is filled with drunken students, and although they normally keep tothemselves, it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, with a lot of people opting to paythe extra 5 bucks a beer elsewhere just to ensure they get a table.

The Vomitorium – Gandalfs

Where: Observatory, Cape Town

Contact Details: http://www.gandalfs.co.za

What to Eat: Nothing

You will Hear: Noisy South African Rock, Metal& Punk

Clientele: A Young Drunk Rock N RollBunch, often strange Goth and EBM kids

What to Know: This is possibly the cheapest place on the planet, Ihaven’t been there in awhile but R10 for 3 Beers makes it worth the trip.

Only ever stoppingoff there once or twice a year… whilst on awesome tours… in my band days…(see what I did there) Gandalf is home to some of the fondest memories I have of my friends – but only because they are probably lot more fun when they are drunk.

Gandalfs had an all you can drink for R40 special, on a Tuesday they still offer 3 Beers for R10and Student Night on Saturdays where all the drinks are R5 a drink. I wouldn’t be the first to call it a vomitorium and not with good reason, at that priceyou can imagine what the bathrooms must smell like the morning after. Definitely a place to visit, even if it’s just for the experience.

Gastropub – Rabbit in the Moon

Where: 198 Oxford Road, Illovo, Johannesburg

Contact Details: 011447 6720

What to Eat: Anything – Its all good!

You will Hear: Classic Rock & Blues

Clientele: Well to do folk and foodies

What to Know: The Owners describe the place as a unique haute bohemian café bar.

Sister restaurant to the acclaimed New York Gastropub. A mix of great food, good wine and great music issure to make this the hottest place to be seen in Joburg

So what makes a pub a gastropub? No not food poisoning, quite the opposite actually (if you arehowever looking for food poisoning, might I recommend Adega Greenside?)

A Gastropub is basicallya pub with a really fancy menu – the kinda pub Gordon “Fucking” Ramsay mightopen. With a menu that includes things like “potatoes with truffle oil, salmon tartare wrapped in black tagliolini with saffron sauce, Chilean ceviche, cheese and charcuterie boards and hand-made empanadas” The Rabbit in The Moon is definitely up there with the best of them.

Cinzia Spallett irenowned designer that has worked with the likes of Versace and Georgio Armani transformed the space “… and the outside Tudor-style tent into an eclectic but sophisticated restaurant that begs to be explored.”

If you have some cash,love great food and can tolerate some pretentious company – this is the placefor you.

Tavern – Wandies

Where: Dube, Soweto

Contact Details: reservations@wandiesplace.co.za (011) 982 2796 www.wandies.co.za

What to Eat: Meals are served buffet style so a little ofeverything

You will Hear: Traditional South African grooves

Clientele: Tourists, the occasional local

What to Know: The restaurant has played host to such luminaries as Richard Branson, Evander Holyfield, Jesse Jackson, Quincy Jones and the All Blacks.

The place is quitethe success story from illegal shebeen to must see tourist stop, it offers curious whities and tourists – loxion hospitality, but if you really want to experience a tavern, pull through to one of the 100’s of taverns in Soweto, youcant beat the mood and the vibe a real tavern offers.

Lounge – Circle Bar

Where: The Rosebank, cnr Tyrwhitt and Sturdee Avenues, Rosebank

Contact Details: 086 174 7444

What to Eat: Nothing, stick to tap water (probably R80 a glass)

You will Hear: Lounge Music

Clientele: Socialite,Yuppies, Wannabes

What to Know: Bring your wallet! It is ludicrously expensive at over R50 a draught!

The perfect place to go if you want to piss away your money, A swanky cocktail bar in the heart of TheRosebank hotel, it is uncomfortably pretentious, and ludicrously expensive – I don’t know about you but if I am looking to unwind, I am not about to slap on asuit. It’s. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t mind paying for something I cant get anywhere else; if it was R60 for an imported, seasonal release microbrew, sure thing, but R60 for the same beer I can buy for R20 anywhere else, in the same glass as anywhere else, with the same taste only served a lot slower, why the fuck would I!

Sure it has mood lighting, plus leather seats and colour changing pods,but who gives a shit, none of that changes the fact that it is expensive andthe music is played loud (far too loud) If your idea of a bar is one that that is remarkably similar to a night club without the dancing then by all means this is for you – and if you’re not a complete wanker, there are loads of otherplaces to spend your well earned money.

Brew Pub – Gilroys Brew Pub

Where: Muldersdrift,Ngwenya Glass Village

Contact Details: 011796-3020 or 073357-2897 www.gilroybeers.co.za

What to Eat: A basket with everything in it

You will Hear: Jazz, Rock, Blues

Clientele: A cosmopolitan mix of youngand old and everything in between.

What to Know: Superbly craftedhome-brewed ales and delicious food in a friendly beer-garden

It doesn’t get old singing Gilroys praises. My personal favourite Gilroys Brew Pub just like Gilroys beer has personality, not only is it the best tasting beer in the country (in my humble opinion) the pub itself is a really great place to unwind, kick back, celebrate, catch the game and just generally have a goodtime and if you don’t believe me try rocking up there on a weekend without a reservation! If there is one pub you visit on this list, make this it!

The New Melville – Mamas Greenside

Where: 18Glen Eagles Drive, Greenside

Contact Details: 0788046804or 0117952894 or http://www.mammas.co.za

What to Eat: The food is good, but the kitchen closes early and they are a little on the pricey side, I prefer to pop over to Dukes (out of this world burgers) and then come back for a beer.

You will Hear: Awesome tunes from the 80’s, 90’s tocurrent radio hits

Clientele: Young professionals, students

What to Know: Normally packed to capacity Thursday through to Sunday but its a really nice place to stop for a blacklabel draught.

Funky colourful atmosphere, the little piece of shabeen decor stands outquite nicely from the more contemporary venues alongside it. Although the crowdis reasonably young, its not incredibly rowdy and its normally quite nice nightout.

The Used To Be Cool -The Jolly Roger

Where: 104th Avenue, Parkhurst, Johannesburg

Contact Details: 011 4423954‎

What to Eat: Pizza with loads of their special chilli (that they apparently sell, but ask for it on a weekend and you will be told you can only get it on a weekday. Ask for it on a weekday and youwill be told they only sell it on a whatever day – so in the spirit of fuck them and their unhelpful bullshit attitude, I found that the “homemade” chillitastes exactly like chilli made byMr Spice who supplys Jolly for sure as well as Dukes and Andiccio 24 ingreenside (www.andiccio.co.za) – who also (actually) sell the chilli, what’s more for a fraction of the price and attitude. (They also make better pizza)

You will Hear: Noise

Clientele: Twatbag students and a handful of old locals

What to Know: It used to be cool

The pub describes its self as “Cheap and cheerful, noisy and boisterous, the Jolly Roger has been a Joburg staple for over a decade… more like “averagely priced, always uncomfortably full (usuallywith twats) run by the complacent – but still serving decent enough pizza.

What’s more, is I get that being a waitress may not be the best possibly way to earn aliving but nobody wants to be served by someone that looks and acts like theywould sooner take a power drill to their sensitive bits than take your order.

But then again it’s not as bad as Jolly Cools – possibly the worst pub I have ever set foot into, it merely subsists on The Jolly Rogers overflow, and is (seemingly) over run and run by the kind of; eyebrow notched, square toe wearing, I have a tattoo of my favourite English football team over my heart because I once saw Green Street Hooligans, Johannesburg equivalent to Jersey Shore douche bag. I hardly ever walk out of a place but Jolly Cools is one place I have walked out a couple of times, having waited over an hour and ahalf for a pizza and a beer, but that my own fault for being stupid enough to go there more than once.

Geeking Out

The word Geek conjures up an image of the socially awkward, with interests in gaming, comic books, sci-fi and a host of other things people deem grounded in escapism, the fantastical and the fringe.

But in a time where geek chic is fashion movement, Golden Age comic heroes have become massive money spinning block busters and game titles bring in more money then box office hits – there is a little bit of geek in everyone, so much so that a geek can not be defined by interests alone.

After much… perhaps way too much though on the subject: I think I have the distinction down. A geek is defined not by mere interest but by an obsession with an interest, an obsession that makes it awkward if not impossible for them to interact with other human beings that do not share their obsession. I use the term obsession very loosely here, so the guy in the bush outside your window touching himself, whilst watching you change… with a pellet gun to his head is not a geek unless he goes home afterwards to embrace his collection of Battlestar Galactica.

But it’s not just the guy that reads comics or plays too many TV games or that has seen star wars 700 times that should be labled a geek! I happen to know music geeks, film geeks, fashion geeks and even sports geeks – (Yes! You Chase) that interact more comfortably with people (other geeks) that share their obsessive interest in one thing or another! So the next time you shake your head at a manboys extensive knowledge of star trek, consider how much you know about The Springboks…

Now that I feel I have made my point; let me trash it by focusing on traditional geekery and what constitutes taking it too far:

Gaming:

“Paul Heydon of independent banking firm Avista Partners, an investment banker working in the game sector since 1999, has come up with his best guess for the approximate value of the videogame business across the entire world. Speaking at the UK’s Edinburgh Interactive Festival 2010 this week, Heydon puts videogaming at about $105 billion worldwide.” – escapist magazine

The video game industry or interactive entertainment as it is probably more accurately described is more conservatively valued at a global worth of about $55 Billion US Dollars.

Either way a lot of people worldwide are spending a shit load of money on interactive entertainment, which makes the line between true gaming geeks and enthusiasts incredibly blurry or does it?

World of Warcraft players in North America and Europe alone produce 800million per year in revenue (larger than the GDP of Samoa) this doesn’t include Asia who often pay by the hour to play and constitute the largest percentage of the 11.5 Million WoW players online. – 11.5millon people is bigger than the population of Cuba!

Check Out:

Batman: Arkham City

http://www.btgames.co.za/bt/infopage.asp?H07086

X Men Destiny

http://www.herohq.com/xmendestiny/

http://www.btgames.co.za/bt/infopage.asp?H08030

Going too far:

MMORPG: If you have no idea what I am talking about pat yourself on the back and return to a world where rational thought prevails! If you play or have ever played an MMORPG, you have gone too far! You probably speak in gaming acronyms and tyP3s L1k3 tH1s! You have, no doubt, all but crossed over the ever finer line between reality and fantasy. I wouldn’t be surprised if you haven’t considered changing your name to that of your avatars officially, so you can full embrace “who you truly are”! Not only are you a geek, you are one of the worst kinds of geek! STOP. Nobody cares if you are a level 70 Mage. Develop a healthy gaming interest, before you lose all the muscle tone in your legs.

Going Professional: If you are, or have any desire to be a professional gamer, you have gone too far, take off your team shirt and your silly little head set, put down your professional gaming R5,000 mouse/controller and slap yourself in the fucking face! You may have “street cred” in the land of DOTA, but this is the real world. In your niche world you may be gaming royalty but in the real world you are just a regular person with immensely strong thumbs.

Anime:

Understandably anime may not be everybody’s cup of tea but the stories are original and often unusual, and therein lies the appeal. It’s not every day you see giant alien tentacles running around sexually assaulting woman, but then again you probably don’t live in Japan.

Check Out: Panty & Stocking (with Garterbelt) two slutty angels fall from heaven and fight ghosts armed only with a pair panties and stockings (that turn into a gun and swords respectively) Filled with sexual innuendo and foul language it’s like the power puff girls as directed by Quentin Tarantino.

Going too far – Cosplay

For those of you that are normal human beings, cosplay is basically playing dress up. Fine if you are an 8 year old girl, not fine if you’re an overweight, middle aged man. Fans go to great lengths to recreate their favourite characters costumes and then they walk around at conventions and even in public dressed in elaborate often very detailed costumes. If you’re an adult and want to play dress up keep it in the bedroom! That being said sometimes it ok to go to far Exhibit A, but Exhibit A comes with Exhibit B and C oh and D. Far too far! (double standards are perfectly ok when they are for public benefit)

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit C

Exhibit D

Fantasy:

Escapism is great and Fantasy Novels are responsible for some of the most incredibly stories of our time. The fact that JK Rowling has more money than the queen and that they are still churning out Tolkien epics are case in point. But that’s what they are stories, let them be just that: if you catch yourself with a tattoo in elvish maybe it’s time to revaluate the kind of person you are. That goes for the Harry Potter obsessed wankers that come to the premiers in capes and shout spells at passersby too. Yes the real world sucks but this is where you live! So you with the strange jaw, you are not in middle earth! For fuck sakes! Stop cursing me in the “language of the elves”, it’s not like you don’t have 11 official languages to choose from!

Going too far – LARPing

LARPing is the geekronym for live action role playing – for those of you that don’t know: Remember how we used to run around when we were six years old with plastic swords, clanging them against our brother plastic sword making sound effects – LARPING is a way for grown ass men (and woman) or LARPers as they prefer to be called to run around like six year olds.

They dress in costumes as elves and knights etc and play fight each other. No I’m not kidding I AM DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS! I am all for role playing but when it leaves the bedroom and enters public domain it has officially gone too far. There is no hope for you, my only suggestion would be for you to end your life.

And for those of you that own your own paintball gun and consider it a sport you are as big a douche as the LARPers, so stifle your giggles and get platting that noose.

Sci-Fi:

Science Fiction should just be another genre of movie, not a lifestyle.

Although you get a variety of film geeks; Sci-Fi Geeks take the cake as far as a sub-species go. At least some of the horror geeks are into some hardcore shit (If you’re nodding your head at your badass horror geekery, because you own the Saw boxset. STOP! Google August Underground Mordum… now move on with what’s left of your broken life)

Going too far:

If you have to ask yourself this question you have gone too far, but for the sake of clarity, if you speak Klingon, do mean wookie impersonation or put on your Yoda voice to impress girls (you’re failing horribly at it) and you have gone too far.

Comics/Graphic Novels:

Comics are fucking awesome! “…and that’s my contention. I can prove it on a scratch of paper with a pen. Give me a fucking Etch-a-sketch, I’ll do it in three minutes. The proof, the fact, the factorum”, (to quote Bill Hicks albeit out of context)

The fact is if you don’t like comics you have probably never read one! To say I don’t like comics is like saying I don’t like stories – because the medium is so broad there is literally something for everyone, if they just take the time to find out what that something is. Comics are stooped in history, they have a legacy, when you pick a comic book you are part of an age old tradition that your father and his father were engaged in.

To me they are the perfect medium, not only are they as well written and as timeless as any novel, they have the added benefit of being visual and instant, and as a result are one of the most progressive forms of storytelling. More and more directors and writers are turning to comic books for storylines, chance are that movie you really enjoyed on the weekend started as a comic book.

There are however two problems with comic books: Firstly somewhere along the line shit got complex: different worlds and alternate histories started popping up all over the place, making it impossible for new readers to enter the realm of comic books. As new creators came in, desperate to make comic book heroes of the past more accessible and relevant to new readers, they made the storylines more convoluted and difficult to understand.

The second is; comic book stores themselves – a well stocked comic store is one of the more difficult things to find and even if you do; you are generally faced with some elitist prick behind the counter that barely acknowledges your existence because you don’t have some secret comic decoder ring, he will leave you waiting for hours while he talks a load of wank to some fan boy, completely taken by his incredible power to hand out comic books for money.

This however is not the case with Outer Limits in Melville and Comics in Alberton. These stores are always keen to suggest new material and are incredibly enthusiastic to welcome new readers into the world of comics:

Outer Limits have an amazing variety and very helpful staff, especially on a Sunday, Thank you Stefan. They also have an awesome call order system where you can choose a couple comic series you like and they will set them aside and give a you call to come collect every now and then, ensuring you never miss and issue with no upfront payment necessary.

They have an excellent selection of indie material, which you can hop on to from issue one, They have introduced me to the likes of; The Boys, Chew and The Morning Glories, all absolutely amazing graphic novels worth a read – Just an awesome store with affordable comics

Smallville Comics have an incredible selection of DC and Marvel monthly reads to some very rare collectible stuff, although they don’t keep too much of the indie stuff, they really go out of their way to get you just about anything you want – I bet if you had to ask for Stan Lee’s pinky finger, they could make it happen.

Find out more about Outer Limits here: http://www.outerlimits.co.za/

Find out more about Smallville Comics here: http://www.facebook.com/groups/smallville27

Check Out: DC’s Flashpoint –In a bid to make comics more accessible to the ever increasing fan base that motion pictures have created (and to keep up with the ever more relevant Marvel) DC have cleaned the slate to give new fans a point of entry in to the universe of DC without alienating their diehard fans, they did this through a 5 comic event called Flashpoint which has paved the way to “The DC New 52”. Starting 31 August DC have renumbered 52 comics at issue 1. From their most popular characters to some of the more obscure and even some new characters it’s the perfect opportunity for anyone wanting to climb into the world of DC without ever having picked up a comic book.

Check out the New 52 Here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBd6M6k9i84&feature=related

http://dcu.blog.dccomics.com

Or contact Outer Limits or Smallville Comics for the hook up.

Going to Far:

There is actually no limit to how far you can go, I think these photos say it all:

Wedding Cake Home Theatre

The New 52 Release Schedule

http://www.blogcdn.com/www.comicsalliance.com/media/2011/08/new52checklist-1.jpg

Filthy Filthy Collecting

I have recently discovered that I have this friend that has a problem… Ok so it’s a really close friend, that looks exactly like me… Ok so I have a problem! A collecting problem, ‘not the “Cleaning House” filthy old lady, starting to smell, hoarder, can’t move in your house because you have a 1000 cats and so many little porcelain dolls that you have started to pack them on the floor’ collecting problem but a problem none the less!

We might even call it an addiction! Although addiction may be too strong a term; considering I have never performed an embarrassing sexual act for a DVD, or a comic, or an expensive whisky, or a book, or a photo, or a bobble head, or a set of cards, or a signed hockey jersey, or an aphorism, or a poster, or some art, or a TV series or…. But then again I have never been asked to…

It’s sad but I need to collect things! It’s a fact of (my) life. I often find myself coming out of a movie Googling where I can get the original 1970’s version of the film, the prequel, the remakes, the novel it was based on, the graphic novel spin off, literally whilst I’m moving out of the cinema, my hands are running over my phone scouring the furtherest parts of the web with a courier service a decent delivery time.

It’s not on a primal urge based in materialism or a need to consume but based in some unfounded; possibly psychological or emotional need that has caused me to feel that if I were to get things, I like in entirety that I would somehow feel more complete and enriched as a person!

It’s not that I collect things but rather that I collect collections in and of themselves and far too many to cope with. Instead of focusing on completing one thing and moving on to collect the next, I am collecting things in a million different categories simultaneously at any one time, which leaves me feeling scattered and incomplete.

The fact that I have this dirty little problem has come as a bit of a surprise to me, it came to me about a week ago, in an epithanetic (not a word but should be) moment of realisation and clarity, the kind where a bright light shines down whilst a choir of angels descend, sustaining a long high note! It was in this moment that I came to realise that I obsess about making things complete.

I don’t know what that says about me as a person but a moratorium has been put on my collecting addiction – most likely for my own good.

Here are 10 Geeky Collections to take up, that if not fed will ruin your life.

Comics

Probably one of the easiest and most common collectibles to become obsessed with (with good reason) but before you know it you are buying eight different batman comics that follow eight different story lines of the same character in different settings, and even worse the four variants of each of those same comics and setting up a call so you never miss an issue and then from there it’s head first on to collecting the trade paper backs that are essentially a collection of the same issues you have been buying in a series of volumes! and then its on to investment comics CGC certified comics and then CGC’s from the gold and silver age’s, and then certified signed CGC’s and before you know it you have more comics then you have space for them and an over draft larger than the resale value of your entire collection!

But then again buying and hanging on to some CGC’s are about as affective if not more ef

fective then adding to a safe full of Kruger rands!

A copy of Action Comics #1 went for $1.5 million at ComicConnect.com in March, 2010. Whilst this might be the highest price paid for a comic to date an ashcan edition of Flash Comics #1 is priced to topple Action Comics #1’s place at an asking price of $5 million.

Check out the 10 most valuable comics in the world here:

http://www.nydailynews.com/money/galleries/10_most_valuable_comic_books_ever/10_most_valuable_comic_books_ever.html

Get no 8 here:

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Superman-1-1939-issue-DC-Golden-Age-CGC-5-0-/250877280366?pt=US_Comic_Books&hash=item3a6973806e

Figurines

I am grateful that this is a collecting affliction I do not suffer from (yet) it is definitely one that could ruin your pocket and your life. Now whilst collectors themselves will argue about what constitutes a figurine – to me an probably all of you they are any kind of toy doll/statuette!

You can pick up Canturi Barbie for the giveaway price of $540,780 or you could buy a house in Atholl. Granted these Canturi Barbies the necklace designed by renowned jewellery designer Stefan Canturi might have something to do with the price tag consisting of 3 carats, a rare pink diamond from Australia’s Argyle mine and a 1 carat emerald not to mention the diamond on Barbies hand.

The item listed as the most expensive toy in the world however is the 1963 Toy Soldier created by Don Levine, considered to be the original G.I. Joe toy – sold for the neat sum of $200,000.

Vintage Advertising Posters

In 1989, Toulouse-Lautrec’s 3-sheet Moulin Rouge sold for $220,000, at the time, the highest price ever paid for a fine art poster at auction. If this masterpiece were available today, it might bring two to four times that amount.

Whiskies

What better way to spend your money then by buying awesome whiskies that sit on your shelf and never get drunk… hmm or maybe they do, I myself couldn’t bare to drink a bottle of R600 common whisky. But if youre the kinda guy with £100,000 you just have no use for and fancy an dram of a 140 year old rarity, perhaps it could be paired with a wonderful slice of endangered species on the brink of extinction. Maybe a Blue Fin Tuna sashimi coupled with slivers of Giant Panda Carpaccio topped off with ground black rhino horn and white truffle dust. MMMMMM Deeeelish!

If you are that guy (the guy I would be should I come into a ridiculous amount of money) then here are three whiskies for you:

The Dalmore 64 Trinitas believed to contain some of the rarest and oldest stocks of whisky in the world, some of which have been maturing in the distillery on the shores of the Cromarty Firth for more than 140 years. There were only 3 bottles produced and the price tagged was an incredible £100,000 and unbelievably they have sold 2 bottles, one of which went to Sukhinder Singh who you may know from the whisky specialists The Whisky Exchange another bottle was purchased by US buyer Mahesh Patel.

Whilst The Dalmore 64 seems to be held as the priciest whisky out there I also stumbled upon the following:

The Dalmore 64 Trinitas was toppled as the most expensive whisky by The Macallan 64 Year Old in Lalique at $460,000 a bottle.

And recently I stumbled on Isabella’s Islay whisky priced at $1.6 million a bottle, but the 8,500 diamonds, 300 rubies and two bars of white gold all covering an English Crystal may have more to do with the price then the whisky itself.

If you are not in the top 2% of the world’s richest but still like to throw your money around you could grab a bottle of Glenfiddich 50 Year Old at the giveaway price of R159,999.

Memorabilia

Memorabilia is available in every category imaginable you could probably get signed serial killer memorabilia if you looked hard enough (don’t get any ideas chase) her are some of the highest selling pieces of memorabilia

Mark McGwire’s 70th-home-run baseball – $3 million

John Lennon’s psychedelic 1965 Phantom V Rolls-Royce – $2.3 million

James Bond’s golden gun Price: $437,000

Read more: http://www.businessinsider.com/most-expensive-memorobilia-2011-2#the-tie-fighters-from-star-wars-episode-iv-1#ixzz1WcmFV4cf

Trading Cards

Trading cards are like the crack of the collectibles world you get your bag you open the bag and are left unsatisfied and wanting. Collectors go to the ends of the earth looking for cards to complete there sets, and wind up paying through their teeth for them. I told my parents to get me the full set of X-Men Fleer Ultra 1995 cards when I was a kid but they insited that 1 couple packs a month would be enough, and now I have half a collection and have to pay like over R20 a cards! Well it could be worse it could need a 1909 Honus Wagner baseball card to complete my set but being the most expensive trading card ever sold the $1.62 million, price tag would ensure that my collection remain incomplete…

My advice to you, take up collecting shit you can find lying around for free.