At the centre of our metropolis; lies a temple of excess large enough to be a city. They call this temple city, Sandton City (and they are expanding)
In this city there is a ritual, known only to those who reside in the offices within the city’s heart. A ritual practiced by the brave and broken: The perils of the lunch run mayhem
The path is wrought with danger and from the South Tower in the Square to J’s Tikka & Kebab, there are many obstacles, that might befall a traveller. Some have said the obstacles are so varied and so numerous that codification is sheer madness! But in fear salvation must prevail, duty bound to a to protect mall office dwellers everywhere (in Sandton City) a list has been forged in the heart of the beast.
The Suits – Horribly intimidating these fast walkers are cut throat, swerving in and out of mall traffic cutting mall dwellers off at every turn. They are not known for their patience or their ability to use a blackberry at the high speeds at which they travel. They can be identified by the scent of overpriced coffee in fused with fabric of fine tailored suits and the scent of their secretary’s perfume. Your only hope of survival is to try and keep up with their break neck pace and steer clear of their direct path of travel.
Promo Girls – More often than not, these young, scantily clad mall-land nymphs, are hypnotically beautiful, and as a result, dramatically increase a mall dwellers capacity for accidental, self harm. Should you evade aforementioned self harm, you still run the risk of being lured in by their feminine wiles. The resultant encounter leaving you without the money or the time to complete your run. Do not look into their eyes and stay out of their line of sight.
The Floor Cleaners – Without fail when the clock strikes 12:45, they materialise into high traffic areas mop, trolley and yellow sign in hand, leaving their surroundings moist and deceptively slippery.
Children – Horribly inconvenient but relatively easy to navigate over as a result of the speed bump like quality they exhibit once they have fallen down.
The Shoprite Trolley Guiders – These dutiful employees have the ability to conjure up a leviathan beast, with its 100 wheeled legs and a complete disregard for the safety of those around it, plying through civilians and experienced mall dwellers alike. As a result of the social mores; the beast exhibits in its natural environment, there are theories that it is the bastard offspring of forbidden love between a taxi driver and his taxi. Barely able to assert control over the beast the trolley guiders tug and push at the beast, to get it safely in to its pen but never without casualties.
The Faux Mooooodel – Apparently harmless at first glance but pre-occupation with themselves and the sheer height of their shoes, make them formidably oblivious to their surroundings and passersby. The constant glancing at their refection in shop windows cause unnecessary collisions often fatal as a result of the 9 inch Louboutin’s insecurely attached to their feet.
The Guy with Too Much Hair Gel – Much like the floor cleaners he leaves his surrounding area terribly slippery. These mall goers have been cited as the number one cause of mall pile ups.
Fat People – Do not underestimate them because of their lack speed and agility, their sheer size makes them a great obstacle to the lunch time run.
Hand Holding Couples – Something horribly inconvenient happens when a couple take each other by the hand in a shopping centre, they create a barrier, a closeline vortex that is able to extend and decapitate any and all who dare encroach. When the said close line remains closed the couple is as easy to pass as a fat person (see above) but approach with caution, as the barrier can extend at anytime bringing with it a world of pain.
The Crazies – Perhaps the most frightening and dangerous of all, largely due to their absolute unpredictability, you never know, when or how they will strike. Their behavioural patterns are erratic and can vary from shouting to violence. There is no accurate way to identify them, by the time you smell the sulphur they give off, it is already too late. Avoid them at all costs. Should you get caught in there line of sight – assume the brace position and pray.
whycallitanything 